To: Captain John

Subject: How To Engineer a Nervous Breakdown – One Caesar Salad at a Time

Dear Captain,

I hope this message finds you well — perhaps enjoying a moment of calm on the bridge, where the fridges don’t freeze, and spinach remains in its natural, unfrozen state.

I’m writing to bring to your attention a minor incident that occurred during today’s lunch prep, which I’m affectionately calling “Caesar Salad Florentine: The Ice Age Edition.”

As you know, our guests requested a Caesar Salad with spinach. Naturally, I assured them they would receive a version so fresh, it would have made the Roman Empire proud. I had, after all, procured the finest organic spinach available — hand-selected, kissed by morning dew, and approved by three yoga moms at the market.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the galley fridge to find the spinach had been transformed into what can only be described as green granite. Apparently, the fridge has decided it’s auditioning for the role of “Blast Freezer #2” in the next Top Chef spin-off. Sadly, it succeeded. Tragically, it took the spinach with it.

Now, I understand we have to work with old outdated equipment on life support. I understand the owner doesn’t want to spend money on a new refrigerator! Ours is, after all, a charming antique collection of culinary fossils, likely eligible for retirement benefits. But I did, quite respectfully, bring this issue up with our engineer several weeks ago. I believe the technical term I used was:
“Hey, the fridge is trying to kill my produce again.”

He responded with a nod that may or may not have been a neck spasm, followed by immediate disappearance. Possibly into a wormhole. Hard to say.

Interestingly, this same individual is incredibly present — borderline punctual — when it’s time to discuss beach barbecues, baseball games, or the logistics of beer distribution among the crew.
(In fact, I have reason to believe our shared bathroom may double as a private bar. The shampoo smells suspiciously like vodka, and there’s a six pack Guinness cans living under the sink like it pays rent.)

I say this not to question anyone’s work ethic, but to gently suggest that fixing vital refrigeration equipment might deserve slightly more urgency than, say, marinating steaks for a crew beach BBQ.

In the meantime, I’ve pivoted. I served the guests a deconstructed Caesar Salad with “flash-chilled spinach” and explained that it’s currently trending in Nordic culinary circles. They were mildly confused but too polite (and sunburned) to argue.

In conclusion, I remain committed to culinary excellence, even if I have to poach eggs with a lighter and keep greens in my cabin sink. I simply request that next time I go to war with a Caesar salad, someone please check if the engineer is available — or at least sober.

With respect humor and sprinkle of sarcasm,
Chef Raffie Hurtado
Soldier of Caesar, Survivor of Spinach

Chef Luis Rafael “Raffi e” Hurtado is a globetrotting
yacht chef–turned–chef-writer known for his sharp, satirical
and flavorful culinary storytelling.
Instagram: @chefraffie