In this article, I explore conflict and the responses to conflict. I trust that you will leave this article feeling more empowered with the increased knowledge around the responses to conflict so that you can become better equipped in responding to and dealing with conflict.
When we hear the word conflict it is likely that we tense up and think about negative associations based on our lived experience. It is only when we explore our own beliefs around conflict can we actually learn how to master the art of managing conflict.
Naturally, there are different responses to conflict scenarios; some people may get aggressive, otherwise known as the fight response. Others may avoid the conflict, completely, which is coined as the flight response, or they may find themselves in the freeze response which is a passive approach to conflict.
The more adaptive response to conflict is the flow response, however, it is important to bare in mind that the flow response may not always be achievable. For example, if you find yourself in conflict with a narcissist it would be best to avoid the conflict as you can never win with a narcissist hence achieving a win-win outcome would be near to impossible.
The word conflict is defined as:
“… a form of relating or interacting where we find ourselves (either as individuals or groups) under some sort of perceived threat to our personal or collective goals. These goals are usually to do with our interpersonal wants. These perceived threats may be either real or imagined. (Vallence & McWilliam 1987, cited in Condliffe 2012, p. 3)
As Crew we are accustomed to working and living in confined environments which can increase the likelihood of conflict in comparison to a workplace that enables you to have your personal space away from your colleagues.
Conflict tends to arise due to conflicting values, thoughts or ideas and an inability to communicate these differences respectfully and with empathy.
When we lack the self-awareness and the skills in dealing with conflict, this will not only impact the parties involved but will have a ripple effect on the rest of the team, and the tense atmosphere is likely to bleed into the guest environments.
To increase your knowledge in the area of conflict, I am going to start with briefly explaining the different responses to conflict; while I do so, I want you to think about the conflict response that you can identify with and take a step further and ask yourself how does this response serve you.
There are four common responses to conflict: flight, fright, freeze, and flow. The fight response to conflict holds the attitude of I lose, you win.
Common behaviours associated with this response to conflict is that they may bully, gaslight, use put-downs or verbally attack you. In addition, they tend to bulldoze over your needs so that their needs surpass yours or deny ownership of any part of the problem, which makes it extremely difficult to arrive at a compromise or win-win outcome.
One of my students from the accredited Advanced Leadership Course, *Mike, shares with me in our coaching session an example of a fight response that occurred on board below:
The Purser had called the second engineer up to her office to clarify a few of his invoices as it was month-end the accounts needed to be finalised ASAP. The second Engineer replied, saying that he was busy and would provide the info when he could. When the Purser followed up with him, he asserted that it wasn’t his problem and that her invoices should have been completed way before month-end. Not only did Mike notice that it was clear that the Engineer didn’t want to co-operate but it also became apparent that the his behaviour created a divide between himself and the Crew.
In sum, Mike highlighted that it was evident that the Engineer was not willing to listen to the Purser’s’ needs and concerns but was rather more preoccupied with his own, thereby creating increased stress for the Purser and team. In addition, the Engineer may have felt that he is more important than the other Crew, hence he felt he was entitled to being treated differently and exempted from submitting his invoices when requested.
Moving on to the Flight response to conflict – this response to conflict often looks like avoiding the conflict at hand. The perceived fear associated with confronting the conflict may cause the individual to avoid it at all costs. The negative outcome of this response is that the individual can be left feeling disappointed, frustrated or anxious as they have not expressed their needs and wants assertively.
Although the characteristics of the freeze response are quite similar to the flight response, this is when the individual chooses not to do anything, including avoiding the conflict, hence they play a passive role in the conflict dynamic. They tend to not avoid the conflict, nor do they figure it out. They are commonly labelled as people-pleasers because they are more inclined to give in to the needs with whom they are in “conflict with”
Now the flow response is the ultimate response to dealing with conflict. Although the parties in the conflict scenario may not see eye to eye on things, they still see each other as equals and are respectful in their communication. They give each other the time to voice their opinion while attentively listening to the individual’s needs. Through engaging in pro-social communication skills both parties can leave the conflict feeling satisfied with the outcome.
You should now have more clarity on your go to responses when in a conflict scenario. With this new understanding and awareness my hope is that your responses to conflict will be less automatic and more intentional. Ideally you would want to feel in control in the conflict situation so that you positively influence the outcome.
For more information on how you can up-level your leadership skills and increase your emotional intelligence get in touch with Karine of The Crew Coach for their exclusive brochure.
By Karine Rayson
